To love a woman who has been through trauma is impossible. That’s what they’ll tell you. And for a long time, you will believe them, like I did.
To love a woman who overreacts about many things on a regular basis because she has been through trauma is impossible. That’s what they’ll tell you. And for a long time, you will believe them, like I did.
To love a woman who says she feels other peoples sorrows without even knowing who they are because it’s just the kind of superpower that people who have been through trauma have is impossible. That’s what they’ll tell you. And for a long time, you will believe them, like I did.
To love a woman who has been through experiences that you cannot understand or accept, which raises the question of how she could possibly understand and accept them, therefore creating a scenario in your head that tells you that a connection about anything that is not about her trauma, is impossible. That’s what they’ll try to tell you. And for a long time, you will believe them, like I did.
We believe a lot of things that advertisements tell us to believe, whether those advertisements appear as billboards or the mouths of those who are consumed by screens, as if they are Teleprompters that see through the individuality of what we truly are beneath the smiles and the skin and the veins and the bones.
I have felt the way that everyone at this point in our lives, at least once, has probably felt, which is the kind love that grows so rapidly with someone that you doubt that it is real. And it ends as quickly as it grows. What I have learned over the years is that loving someone who has not had any struggles is the real struggle, and let me tell you why.
Now, if you can sit down right now and think about any possible thing that has left you feeling traumatized, and come up with nothing, then I applaud you. I have met people like you and they are beautiful in their own way with nothing to worry about besides a couple of physical insecurities. Many people would kill to be you. And this isn’t meant to tell you that you cannot be loved, because you can, and I’m not trying to say that anything about life is easier for you, because it’s not. Life is a struggle for everyone, but sometimes, people with trauma feel that their experiences are the sole reason why they feel unlovable. That is what I am trying to say in this long combination of words that I’m writing.
This isn’t a piece meant to make anyone feel bad for themselves, but rather an open-ended truth that has slowly collected inside of my head over time, like a tornado. And in the same way that I believe that everyone can be loved, I believe that at least one person can understand and accept these words on a very deep level, like I do.
Even the worst of enemies can come to an understanding when in sight of a struggle. There is almost always a moment of sympathy that can be felt when learning of one’s struggles. And sometimes, especially for those who have experienced trauma, there is empathy that radiates.
Many of those who have been through trauma do not want to be with someone who has also been through trauma, and I think it is because we are afraid that we cannot handle it. How can I support your broken pieces if I’m still trying to put myself together? Well, we all struggle with putting ourselves together in different ways and I think that people who have been through trauma forget that those who have not had struggles, too.
How can a fan with no blades do its job? How can you unmelt butter? How can you fix trauma? You cannot just put the blades back on or put the butter back in the fridge. It will never be what it once was and it took me a long time to accept that I may never be able to fix myself, but that’s when I began to love myself.
Many days are hard. In fact, most days are hard, but we cannot go on wondering if anyone is ever going to love us because our trauma makes us impossible to love. Everyone has problems. And while a perfect creature who’s never had any sort of illness or negative experience may not understand, that is only the beginning. And while a broken person seems impossible to love because a sick person should not heal another sick person, that is only the beginning. There will come a time when we are all sick and we will rely on each other like we have always loved each other.
So let’s stop counting the things that are wrong with the person sitting in front of us on that awkward date. Let’s stop trying to figure out what they have already figured out about us on that awkward second date. I have been trying to listen to my gut more often, because it is the only place I can trust, which is something that I’m working on. What are you working on?
To love a woman who thinks too much or says too much or writes too much is impossible. That’s what they’ll tell you. And for a long time, you will believe them, like I did.
And none of this means that I found someone, because I haven’t, but I believe, now. I hope you do, too.
A Different State of Mind 